Really living is no assignment for the coward,


The most recent mountain she climbed wasn’t for her, but she dared herself anyways. She wanted to see what kind of a mountain it would be and what she had to gain from the experience. From the first step, she was so cautious yet so careless, almost reckless. It wasn’t planned, it’s wasn’t thought of, the decision was a mere act of spontaneity. See, she climbs mountains, it’s all she does through life. There’s always one after another. But with each, she always has a purpose & she’s always known they’re worth climbing, but not this particular one. The more she climbed, the more she tried to find a reason/s of  why she was doing so.  She wanted to have a purpose and meaning out of the climb.

Well, as you guessed, you can’t go hiking unprepared, let alone mountain climbing. She is always careful in what she does, especially if it involves utilizing her energy & time. Well, this mountain climbing was a mixture of a thrilling experience, filled with deadly fear, anxiety, worry, desire to see, feel & experience pleasure of getting to the peak and yes, it was filled suspense. But what for?

Nonetheless, she didn’t stop even when she knew she needed to. She kept daring herself, and every time she looked up, she didn’t see anything but rocks ahead and high above her. She knew this energy she was investing in this deserved to be poured on something more purposeful than this specific mountain, but she’s a darer, she convinced herself by whispering to her soul every worrying minute “one more meter, a little higher”. And so she kept going.

But there was unexpected stumbling blocks on her way, they were unseen…but deep down, it’s because she had chosen to go blind selectively;  she had choosen to not get warned by what was right before her eyes. Eventually, she stumbled, and almost fell. But no,  she didn’t hit the ground,  see, she caught herself in the act of falling. She has always known how to catch herself & to keep herself in check before she falls. Trust me, she falls several times before getting to the peak of her other mountains, and whether she breaks or not, the pieces always come back together and she gets back up. On this particular mountain, she had defied the voice that cautioned her within; that this mountain wasn’t worthy of the time, energy, or effort, its like she was high on life, and so She convinced herself otherwise.

 She has a fear of mediocrity and she’d rather not take the expected traditional path that’s set for her with others footprints to follow.

Here is the significance of climbing this particular mountain she took on; the one she didn’t need to. She learned not everything should or can actually have a planned path, with expectations in the end. Sometimes it’s the discoveries during the climb that are exciting. Life has to be let  be for it to be. She also learned something even more important, that living is not an assignments for the coward. While she takes on mountains and overestimate herself, most are cowards at taking any on mountains. They’re afraid of the unknown, and hide behind self-made curtains, afraid and letting thoughts like,  “what if I get hurt” or ” what if I get hurt again?” take over. They are the takers of life. They’re not givers to others neither to selves. They selfishly deny themselves life and are terrified of giving themselves challenges. See, instead of getting in the ocean and let themselves swim in the waves, they sit so safe in the harbor, so delicate, fragile,  & deliberately taking on only the mountains they know the end or the view at the peak.

Well, for her, she falls & let’s herself feel the pain. It then subsidies. She knows it just gives her more strength and immunity to handle even the most terrifying mountains.

She’s had her moments of failure, the worst of all being self failure. But without falling, she’d not have known she had the strength to get up. She couldn’t have learned the art of catching herself before she hits the ground and breaking. So, here, ….climb your mountains and do so courageously. You’ may or may not break,  but you’ll not remain broken. No one stays broken if they choose to not remain so.  Mix the pain & pleasure and soar in to your world. Dare yourself to live!

Caroline Shii.

Gratitude. 

There’s something about being away from all the noise & just coming to the woods for a week. Maybe it’s the change of environment.  There’s a spiritual awakening and connection I find in God’s creation. Not that I don’t or can’t find it back in the city, but it’s easy to get distracted back there. I find myself running and allocating every minute of my time to something just so that I’ll not waste any of it. Here, I’ve given myself these few days to just bring back the wholesome connection within.

Catching the birds sing during early morning walks, feeling the breeze that’s so peaceful rub against my skin, seeing the numerous trees stand still or swaying side to side from the light wind, watching the horses graze gracefully, watching the bright stars shine high in the sky at night,  ….the lake  being so still that I don’t have to paddle the kayak to stay in it. All this sounds so petty, but just letting myself feel & realize they’re small blessings makes me feel so grateful. Being here is fulfilling; in the country, deep in the woods. And I hope you find something that’s gonna make you feel alive, graceful & grateful. Focus your energy on positive things in your life; be thankful for the good & bad. Take time to realize you’re here for a reason & purpose.

 Yours truly,  Caroline.

“Your legacy is every life you’ve touched”

The Carer You

No one should hurt, feel despair, or hopelessness alone.

No one’s heart should be breaking without a hand to hold or a shoulder to cry on.

We’re each other’s. Sin brought pain, & pain demands to be felt.

Be a carer, a friend, a holding hand, a shoulder to be cried on…whatever the circumstances demand of you, sometimes it’s okay to be exactly that.

It is okay to forget the balance between giving and taking and simply taking on the giving role; Be a giver, “Give until it hurts”

It doesn’t matter if they were there when you needed them,…as long as you made it, let them make it.

Be one of the reasons they found strength. Be their strength ♡

Oops, A Girl Slips,

art

In a society that expects a perfect girl,

Trust me,  sometimes she can slip, lose balance,

And even more can happen; she can fall!

She can break, and the shattered pieces can just split all over!

Fortunately, the breaking isn’t permanent,

 

See, when a piece of art falls & breaks, it does not stop being art,

The pieces remain to be art. Now, remember she is a work of art,

Art isn’t supposed to look pretty, nice, & the last thing its meant for is the eyes,

Its meant to invoke your imagination, make you feel something, bring life within,

To feed the soul.

Art does not seek perfection, and neither does she seek it

And no, the work of art she is, she does not remain fallen, she gets up.

Her beauty clearly lies in her perfect  imperfection,

 

See, you may think the shattered pieces meant she was fragile,

But no, she was meant to fall at that moment, I mean,

How could she have unleashed her inner strength without hitting the ground?

How could she have known she could be so powerful!?

She healed, the pieces are back together,

and look,

She did not build any walls or fences to stay safe,

After all, doing so would mean she defies vulnerability,

While its the only  way  to live while letting life run through her!

So she lives without trying to control or predict what’s impossible to!

And her scars are her identity, experiences and no one can take that away!

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Girl Who Owns Her Story

I still remember that little girl who grew in that two story house. She had a vision for herself, she wanted so much for herself and her family. She grew up in a very small town somewhere in central Kenya. You know, she would look at planes up high in skies and imagine how her life would be if she would only get in one. She wondered if she would ever look like the beauty models in the magazines she stocked up in her bedroom, you know, the ones she religiously read at night. She would then dream about everything she had imagined for herself earlier in the day, with the magazines.

No she did not want to be a doctor, a lawyer, or some kind of a minister in the government. She wanted to be the confident beautiful women in the magazines. I’m talking about the women who had qualities she didn’t have, Or maybe she didn’t see in herself yet admired, i.e the beauty, confidence, success, well travelled, intelligent, and so on. She wondered what they had done so they could be who and where they were. How did some get so lucky while she was unfortunate?

And while very young, she decided she wanted to be a flight attendant so she could see the world. Through high school she knew this was her dream. At the age of sixteen, she graduated high school and somehow, deep within, she felt she lacked so much.  See, her parents had raised her and her siblings differently, none of them was given the freedom to choose their fate. Everything was chosen for them; but keep in mind, in some families, that’s the African upbringing, a parent decides regardless of your interests. and as a child, questioning was disobedient. She had worked so hard and at seventeen, she had found herself a contract with one of the best international airlines and the only limitation there was a parents approval, you know, since she was underage. Well, as you can imagine, her dad couldn’t even listen, he was decided that that was not the best path for his child.

Again, as usual she sunk so deep in her world wondering why she was born to the wrong family. At this point, I want you to know that a lot have been left out in this story.  But that might come later in a different story. Anyways, that girl ended up in Oklahoma state, a thousand miles away from the only home she knew. That’s when it hit her, “She had to start all over again. She needed other dreams and goals”. Her greatest fear in life was and still is to never live up to her potential, and not discover her true purpose in life. She arrived here at nineteen years of age, and it was a whole different world. she hated the taste of the food, the seasons that seemed extreme, the isolation, the feeling of not belonging,  the environment was overwhelming. But there is something that excited her, see, she’s a very adventurous one, and she always wanted to be free of anyone trying to shape her life for her. Something was exciting; the urge to know and discover the new life here. See, it does not happen overnight, it takes time to get used to new things, its a learning process. There’s a thrill in the discovery process, and that kept her going.

She thought, “There’s no limits now, I’m far away, I’m almost twenty and definitely not too old to be anything! omg, what if I can still become one of those magazine women I had seen then?!” So, she started modelling. And no, she did not model for the sake of doing it, no.. there was a hidden agenda; she wanted to build the confidence that she knew she lacked. She wanted to plant the seed within her that would grow in to something everlasting and authentic. She wanted people to look at her and see a woman that is well build in character, personality and physically too.

Again, first forward, that girl has found a home away from home, and its been seven years. She put herself through college, yes, it was hard paying that fee a semester after another. Working for minimum wages. If you never knew what it is like to go to bed at night, at twenty years of age, worried of not going back to college because you cant clear your fee, because you couldn’t  qualify for student loans and grants, watching and listening to the clock tick and waiting for a miracle, then don’t pity her. A miracle never came her way, nothing has ever been handed to her on a silver platter, but you must not pity her, the struggles build her.

That girl has a lot to achieve in life, and she is also a college graduate. Could you believe she finds it so fulfilling to care for the sick? Ya, she is now a nurse. Instead of serving while travelling, she serves others but still tries to see the world around her. She enjoys nursing. She also once read, “Your legacy is every life you’ve touched” and she has decided that wants to touch lives and be compassionate to those who need it.

Look, appreciate life, you never know where it’ll take you! Her story has taught me so much!

 

Success or Active Denial?

Look around you, then look at you,

Did you notice it too? That Success can be active denial?

We want something so bad, and we may have deadlines of when to achieve,

Sometimes we let desire rule the mind,

Often times, we get a copyright of the original dream that would define success, and suddenly, we do the most tempting thing; Settle!

We then forget about what we originally wanted and instead, we start adjusting the dream, thinking, “Why did I want so much anyway!”

We think, “if I lower this standard, this dream, this version at hand has potential, I should keep it!”

So there we go, settling for jobs we hate because there is an income, relationships that dim our dreams, friendships that don’t build us, and we stop growing!

Mediocrity follows, we stop thinking we could be extraordinary,

But why? I think it’s the society’s expectations we live up to. And we forget what we ever wanted for ourselves.

We end up living up to other’s success while giving up our own.

How Much More Do We Value The Body Over The Mind?

My perception of the human race when it comes to health is this, “as long as we are not hurting, we don’t have any medical diagnosis, or the doctor said we are healthy after the routine check up, then we walk with our heads held high believing are really healthy.” But what about our emotional & psychological health? How do we maintain emotional hygiene? I personally have walked with a smile on my face, making eye contact with every one that walks my way, and if they happen to ask, “how are you doing?”, I more than often say, “pretty good, or fine”, this is the expected answer, almost by default, but I’m no always doing good or fine. Who really determines that we are not whole and need healing? I think to some extent, this is purely and subjectively determined by the person in question. Unless we speak out, no one would really know our worries, pains, and so forth.

Its the friend that comes and hugs me and immediately breaks down, the patient that is so worried about the unknown that just wants you to hold their hand, the worrying of “are we good enough” and so on. More so, its my recent experiences that have led me to this point of wanting to consciously acquire a wholesome health, rediscover myself, and focus on what’s most important; only pursue only what’s worthy. My upbringing and my adult life wasn’t and has never been easy. Looking back, I wasn’t taught the signs to watch out for to ensure that I’m on top of my health; emotional and psychological, but I know all the signs and symptoms of disease, I had to learn these in nursing school.

Sometimes we speak of concerns that bother us & hurt our emotional or/and psychological beings and the response most people give are, “shake it off, its all in your head”, or “its okay, it’ll pass” etc. , yet with a broken arm that hurts, no one says, “shake it off, it all in your arm :)” get it? Why is the body so important and the mind is last of our concerns? As a nurse, when a patient that says they cant breath, or their chest hurts, I get on top of this to make sure the airway is preserved of they are not getting a heart attack. But what about the one that tells me, “I’ve been stressed lately, you know, life is ….etc” I ensure they’re not suicidal, but ..what after that?  I’m simply saying we are a society so unwilling to simply take care for each other’s well being until itrs close to too late. Sometimes we don’t even recognize that people so close to us are hanging by the thread, so damaged with no one to turn to. Sometimes we are these people. Loneliness can be a result of poor psychological and emotional health. Anyone can be lonely and yet be surrounded by numerous beings, it is simply the state of feeling disconnected emotionally and socially from those around you.

So here is what I have gathered so far, the first step is AWARENESS. Being aware of yourself and the state of your being, and taking control over your health, (wholesomely) is your responsibility. What most of us do not realize is: this includes your mental and emotional health. Look closely at your life, look at trends that lead you to the same messy situation, what can you change about them? It may be poor friendships, your self esteem, your confidence, failures, etc., and  If you are the kind of a person that holds yourself to a certain standard and ends up failing yourself anyway, do not ignore that. Be kind to yourself, BUT DO observe yourself without judging you. Do not avoid or ignore anything that can be on the way of your better whole self.

After all, it was once said, there is nothing small about life! So why live without a purpose! While free will may not rule our lives entirely, there’s a good percentage of our lives that is solely upon us to determine how we want it to be. Refuse to be ordinary, and be a good friend and a better human that cares with actions. Most importantly, Remember YOUR HEALTH IS YOUR WEALTH, it is worth whatever it takes to maintain!