Easy & hard!

The mind may be disappointed & angry, 

But what if the heart still cares?

What if sometimes you question the decisions you made?

Did you ever wonder if this is what  you’re supposed to do?

What if sometimes you crave their presence?

Then what are you supposed to do? They’re out of touch!

What should the mind tell the heart when all the heart does is miss the gone?

There’s a battle within & all you can see is the peace without!

But how could you have known!

Why an Extroverted Introvert? 

 

It is easy to get myself misunderstood, and if you are like me, well, we know it happens more than often. I’m talking about being an extroverted introvert like I am. This means our personality type is subject to change. Myself, i’m either outgoing or simply desperate to be alone at times. And these two states leave me so fulfilled. A lot of people who dont really know me will say, “Well, it is impossible to be like this.”  But I don’t see anything wrong. In fact, I get a lot of energy and fulfillment in either state. 

Sometimes when I wake up, I just want to drown myself in my presence. I drive to the coffe shop and I read. I’m surrounded by people but I also prefer to be left alone at this time. Sometimes talking takes a lot of energy. And no,  i am not lonely at all. I’m hardly ever lonely. I listen to smooth jazz  while i  read,  sipping on my cup of coffee. The feeling is so overwhelming. Sometimes i wish time would stand still for an hour or two. I love it so much! If I did not drive to the coffee shop, I stay home. I stay in and paint, I’m not even a painter. I picked painting the day my ex & I decided to go to a painting class on a date. Sometimes I bake. I look up recipes and just bake. I do enjoy these things. 

 (First painting)

This is why I am not a plans kind of a person. I’m not your kind of friend who sticks with, “Let’s do karaoke next week” or,  “Let’s go see a movie on Thursday at 6pm.” See, I don’t know how ill feel then, and so usually my response is more like, “Can I call you on that day in the morning & confirm?” But for those who really know me, usually go like this, “I know you, I’ll call you on Thur to see if we can see a movie”  Gosh, i love when they say that! Ooh, my sisters & close friends know this of me more than anyone, and they still love me. I’m actually a loyal person. It’s not that I can’t commit, it’s more of; if I plan on it, will I be really present and make it memorable? Will i even be up for it then? I’m rather spontaneous. I’m not a peope pleaser and so, If I commit to something,  I feel responsible of keeping my word. But I’m not like this always. I like to believe I pay attention to details, and so when it comes to things like my job, I’m good at it. Nothing repeats itself at work & today is always different from yesterday.

The other side of me is the really fun, outgoing side. Yes, I’ll turn around and blow everyone’s phone so we can go bowling. In fact, I plan everything including the activities to be had. If we go dancing, and you meet me for the first time then, you’ll think I’m simply outgoing! I play loud music in the house, dance,  learn dancing from YouTube videos and so on. I am really two sided but I don’t find it a problem. I never came to  point of feeling inadequate. So far you can either relate with this or you’re wonderingif this is a joke. Lol!

My interests are diverse as a result of this. I’m not the typical small talk kind of conversationist, neither am I the group talker. I like one on one talks, and I like thought provoking topics or conversations. I lose interest even in things & people if they don’t keep my brain stimulated. My attention span is short, really short for unstimulating things. I’m the typical analytical human. I analyse and overthink. If I like you, I really do and if I don’t, then I really don’t, and neither do i try to coat my true feelings. See, if you’re like me, you know we are picky. And we want to learn about what the people we like goals’ are, what they like,  what their family is like and so on. So we talk with them and when we do, they’d better know not to talk about the weather, unless there’s a tornado or extreme weather forecasted. 

So, there is a glimpse of me,  as well as of others who share my personality….

Yours truly, the extroverted introvert.

It Was Good Timing

I have done myself some good. This is the best decision I have made for myself in a long time. At first it felt silly and like it wasn’t worth, but every morning that I wake up, I feel different, I feel the newness of a new day without residuals from the past haunting my beautiful mornings. See, i’m that girl who have decided to be as deliberate as I can be with my decisions in the days to come.

Here is the thing, we are a race where majority are scared of putting all our eggs in just one basket, I mean, God forbid and we drop the basket, they would all break and we’d starve to death before we find other hens to lay us new eggs. But we also count our chicks before they hatch. We have so much planned ahead that we forget that anything can happen and the chicks might not actually hatch. I looked at me for instance, im in my twenties, striving to meet my career goals before im thirty. It is important to me that I’m a successful woman. 

Another important observation of my generation is the dating. I mean, look around you, God meant for us to live in harmony. I truly believe we are each others. It is our job to console an aching heart, to preserve other’s dignity, not because we know them but simply because they are human, good or bad. We all want to love and be loved, but we are so scared, so scared of getting hurt, but how many of us care about hurting others as much as we care about getting ourselves hurt? This is where most of us have abandoned the one basket full of eggs; we’d rather redistribute all our eggs to different baskets, as it is too much of a job to care for that one basket, and protect the eggs at all cost, you know…who got time for that, right? Most of us do keep the eggs at different places, and so when the predator comes, or the earthquake hits a certain  region, we really do nothing or less, after all, all eggs were not in that one “victim” basket  and so we can do with losing it. This has led us to do things halfway and not give our all. We don’t know what it is to work hard for something. We choose easy. 

Anyway, here’s the rest. As a single woman, it is my job, responsibility and obligation to protect my heart, myself, my dignity, and to never lose my pride. They say I should always know my worth, that I should never sell myself short and to always wait for the buyer that will buy me at a high price. Well, I say bullshit to that! I’m not one to sell myself at all. No, I sow within so I can reap when it’s time. I mean, if I went to a shop and bought something full price, it becomes mine, I own it. I can damage it, preserve, or use it as I please, right? so, yeah..that’s why im not for self selling. I choose to forever own me, invest in me. That does NOT mean I’m against relationships, I’m for them. I’m for partnership with someone worthy of growing and taking on a journey together,  knowing it’ll rain, storm,  thunder,  flood, but always having in mind that we got each other no matter the harsh weather conditions. After all, the sun shines bright after the dark night. But even at night, the stars shine bright, you’ll see that if you look up. In fact, the darker the night, the brighter the stars. So anyways, if “partners” didn’t put their eggs in one basket and vow to protect them against all odds, how could they have made it through the storm with endurance? Protecting their basket full of eggs at all cost?

I live a simple life, a sufficient one, and never rely on anyone to feed, clothe or house me. It is also my job as a single woman to find out if the man I will date is worthy of being called a man, and is he worthy of the risk. So on this particular day, I sat and had chat with my close friend, it is always a no judgment zone but rather a tell it all zone. As usual, we catch up, And a conversation comes up, and here we talk about online dating, how it’d work for busy people who have no time going out and having the luck of meeting potential partners. But it gets intense. We sooner realize that there’s a bunch of dating apps out there. It is so simple to meet ten people in just a few minutes in the comfort of your pajamas, binge watching your favorite Netflix show and deciding who really seems like, and are they worth meeting. What happens is, the ten could be met, but where does time come from? Instead, we hoard them in the phone, for back up just incase things go south with the top picks! see, so easy and simple! Always spreading the eggs, and protecting self. 

Swiping right and left has given us a poor illusion that it is easy to actually have connections as we please. We feel so much inn control. There for, we are so antisocial, so lonely, and the sad part of all, we easily dispose humans if they don’t interest us, or God forbid, they seem too clingy or easily attached. These humans should be dismissed and replaced with those who actually get what life is. I mean, we are busy and we want people only at our convenience and when one comes along who doesn’t meet our qualifucations, well then, to hell with them! We don’t even have the decency to properly dispose them,  we ghost individuals and in return,  they’re expected to know. Look, easy come easy go, right!? This goes on like that, we dispose and get back on the screen, and swipe for the next one. 

But how has this influenced our generation? it seems to be so easy to meet people, in fact, I don’t think it has ever been easier! How do we go about with these connections that we make off these apps? There’s texting, 2 minute phone calls and on the same day we meet. The next day we text and before you know it, this is it! This is what we are settling for. Days come and go, we work, we go home and keep in touch on the screen. We don’t learn anything about  these people yet we give them so much. And by this I mean time! Time is such a gift and it is extremely valuable. This does not end here. These are superficial connections, and God forbid we end up feeling a deeper connection for them than they do for us, because then we’re toast! It faded away for them! But lucky you, remember you actually did not put all your eggs in just one basket? you suddenly remember your other hoarded contacts, see the ones you saved just incase things went south with the top pick? its time for them to get a chance now! It was the back up plan,.. and blah….blah ….blah….it continues like this!

But several weeks ago, I woke up from it all. See, most of us walk around so beautiful and handsome, yet broken and grieving. We smile at people with a knot choking us in the throat . We deny ourselves the chance of healing. We numb the bruised emotions, and we redirect and regress them. We suppress all these and deny ourselves growth and development. We don’t have time to feel what is human. Who said hurting, aching, grieving, vulnerability, and breaking is weakness? We don’t let these emotions run through us until they drown, no….we accumulate the toxicity within and recklessly and inconsiderately spread it to those who simply don’t deserve it. We meet people, and for a second it is consoling  to us. We take and take from them for our own good while still  guarded with steel fences so high around our hearts, swearing to not get bruised like before. We do it all at our own convenience and God forbid, if they want anything in return, we get so done and walk along to the next human prey that is worth of our toxins. We don’t communicate, we take and give what we please. Our gratification is priority. 

So yes, I have done myself some good. I never really walked around worrying about, “what if I hurt them?” No, it is their job to worry about that. To hurt a human being; simply be reckless and play with their emotions, be selfish and only care about what they make you feel and not about what you make them feel. Am I the girl that left two relationships because I thought it was time?, Yes. Did it bother me that I was breaking up with them, yes, but did it really hurt me? No. Was it the right decision? Absolutely! I became a woman who had just one goal, and that goal was to better herself. Dating has never been a priority, and so I have not found myself make a dangerous mistake of getting dangerously hurt. But I did catch myself make the mistake of getting in to something that really bruised my being. It is only after that I realized I was not ready for it, it was gone too far, yet it was so empty. I was living a paradox. I hated the situation and my emotions were hurt. This was a classic sutuationship to me. 

The good that I did myself was to prepare myself, so instead of looking for solace and numbing my emotions, I let myself feel them. I let pain hurt until it was done. I decided it was time to really give myself enough attention. Here’s the thing, do you think it is easy for any woman to go to the gym, to go to work, go grocery shopping, take a walk in downtown…Whatever it is, without getting distracted, and coming close to giving up on self time for just a single date? Im not attention seeking, but it is easy to get the attention, which I choose to not pay attention to. I took my phone book and deleted everyone that I knew did not deserve that kind of shelter under anything of mine. The beginning of this decision wasn’t easy. Instead of having a man sit across my dinning table telling me how beautiful I am, I looked myself in the mirror and told myself so. Instead of listening to that selfish voice that told me to just go with it and not to get attached, you know, the one that reminds you to guard your heart while still having fun. I choose to be honest and respect myself. Three months of a single woman working on herself is golden, my clock is ticking and I am halfway this self journey. I will not fill my gaps with people not serving me any good,  instead, ill fill them with choices that’ll lead to self development. Within this time, nothing but good is coming out for me. I have realized not lying to self has so much benefits. In this span of time, ive taken steps to go for what ive always wanted. I got a better job, i have gotten tbe courage to ask or even demand for what’s mine. I am not letting people want my time at their convenience. No, In fact, it has led to better healthy friendships. I am clear of confusion. See, I’m a woman who knows what she wants. I know the kind of partner I want. A clear heart and mind is an advantage to havinga clear life. My fun is not be had at clubs, bars, lounges, instead it’s with friends doing constructive things, it’s reading, it’s doing what’s worthy of doing. 

While I work just hard enough to make a living, my goal in life is not to accumulate wealth monetarily, my goals is to achieve everlasting happiness, fulfillment, good health including emotional health, healthy relationships and peace of mind!

So, here i go. Not long ago, I’d wake up not recognizing myself. The girl that used to be mine, the one i used to know too well has seized to be mine. At the perfect time, i got a hold of her and this time, she’s just going to be unrecognizable to me anymore!





Caroline Shii, 

What if,

What if all of us were what we wished to seem?

So raw, authentic, & as deliberate as we wished?

What if fear did not exist?

Or better yet, what if being a coward in life wasn’t an option?

What if men & women were as selfless as they can be without a touch of selfishness?

Did you ever wonder why we take take take & dread to give? 

What if we worried about others well-being just as much as we did ours?

What if we just held back on self instant gratification if it caused another misery?