The “I” 

At the time, I was drowning

I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t move, I sunk too deep

I hurt, and it wasn’t physical pain. I felt powerless, I started suffocating.

 But,

 I never felt hopeless. Yes, at the time i felt like my soul was floating somewhere unknown, somewhere unsafe,

I could have stopped breathing, it was easier to do so than to take the painful breaths in & out,

You know, the ones that kept me alive.

Hope is What kept me going, I cried in the shower, 

Most of all, I talked to & with God through it 

I had sleepless nights & woke up restless, I clenched to my pillows wondering if they’d like to share my pain,

But something kept me going; that was my imagination of the near future, the dreams I wasn’t willing to believe they were now unreachable, 

I didn’t stop believing in what I once did. 

I dreamed of the day that all the invisible weight would be lifted off my shoulders, 

But also,

I had worried day & night, wondering why I almost sold my dreams for cheap & small desires

I wasn’t willing to relax in a restless flight, somewhere out of memory, too afraid of what I’m meant to become or have,

Yet, I was so afraid. 

I counted days & nights, I looked myself in the mirror & decided that wasn’t it, 

Smoke & mirrors weren’t meant for me, if it’s unclear and I can’t see through, oh well, then ill open my eyes wider,

That moment hurt me so much & i wasn’t gonna force it to fly off, it was a challenge, but it gave me something 

So I stayed still, I let it run through me & wash me down, 

I patiently waited for it to pass,

It was at this time that I learned the importance of allowing self some solitude to understand what I was feeling. 

And for things that light a fire within or that throw me off the edge, 

Those are the things I don’t let go until they’ve given me what they ought to,

I didn’t get in to the rat race for small sweet desires that were nothing but set traps to eliminate my existence while I was still alive,

I felt pain & pleasure,

But most of all, I lived. And now, more than any other time I believe what was said in the Unbroken, “A Moment of Pain is Worth a Lifetime of Glory”

Embrace the chapter that you’re on in life, don’t try to escape it. Live, feel, accept & try to appreciate it. Read it & know why it’s there to offer before it’s vanished! After all, It only takes less than a second to close one chapter. 

🌹Delicate beauty🌹

Look! So delicately and voluptuously beautiful, 

Two days ago, they were just two stems full of leaves, 

Oh, & I counted the unbloomed flower buds that were nothing but green & dull; eleven!

I quickly got them in a vase, with just the right amount of cool water, didn’t give a thought about them,

But my mind said to my heart, “they’re not your favorite! They’re dull too! How can anyone hand you anything like this!”

Well, I love flowers & I think they’re meant to remind us that there’s beauty around us & within us! But we have to be willing to look at the beauty! Sometimes waiting to see it too; but the all time winner is the one who feels it!

Two nights passed and after the third one, something magical happened!

I walked down the stairs from the bedroom, opened the blinds and curtain to my window and an array of beautiful sunlight landed on me, 

Sat on the couch as I planned my day amidst my thoughts, 

I then looked in front of me and there she was!

So colorful, beautiful, delicate, and just open… she looked vulnerable, ooh, so vulnerable I could feel it within me, 

She was colorful, some parts were faded while others were rich in color, it gave her life, 

She didn’t move, of course she couldn’t! She was nothing but comfortable, and just fragile enough; unbreakable before her time,

And so I took time to just look at her without touching, I smell my flowers, but this one, not quite yet,..i reminded me of the shameful thoughts I had when I first got her,…

The faded and the rich in color parts of her completed her, 

So imperfectly perfect,

So beautiful, undeniably shameless to just be, 

……. don’t forget about the flower, it is to be unforgettable🏵 

But now think about life. How often have you not waited to see the beauty? 

Or maybe you think it’s often too delicate when you see it? 

What if its you who’s not gentle enough to handle it with just your eyes, what if once you handle it you end up destroying it before it’s end time’s arrived?

And who said beauty has to be seen? You see it and with the unsure soul you have to tremble over it because you taught your soul long ago to never just feel it, you have to destroy!

How often have you looked and thought, “If this were like what I expected, id see it’s beauty; but I just don’t now!”

Look, my two green stems full of green leaves & eleven green buds are blooming. If I let go of them as soon as I thought they’re not my favorite, id have missed a different kind of beauty and sensuality they’ve aroused within. And while nothing really lasts, these aren’t here to last either. But they’ll have shared their beauty & more so, lived to meet their purpose! 

Why do I say so?

Well, if I were a Lily, orchid, rose,  a tulip or whatever else I could be, Id want to be gently plucked,  and hanged over in symbolism of compassion, patience, purity, and beauty. Even a smile would be enough…maybe the hug that follows a bouquet would be as well!

Give more chances, teach your soul this!
Yours truly, 🖤

I learned patience. 

I learned patience after consecutive failures, 

I learned what it meant to ask & waiting for it to come at the right time,

I used to strive hoping to get it, all while it was unclear to me exactly what I wanted way from the beginning, 

I wasn’t happy, I was always looking, searching for what I couldn’t find, 

After finding, I’d try to mold it to my liking, I wanted it to suit me, to be what I thought I wanted….

It seemed easy, I was a magnet like this. 

I’d then let go as in the long run, I’d realize that wasn’t what I wanted, 

Until when I stopped!

I worked on making it clear to the inner self exactly what I wanted. I compared it to going to the store unclear if I wanted to buy milk or water,

Suddenly I realized my successes have always began with one question that preceded other numerous questions, 

“What do I want?”..

It’s how I start, i set goals & luckily for me,  I don’t stop halfway & if I believe it’s worth it, I put up a shameless fight until I get what I wanted out of it. 

As a result, sometimes I look back at worthless battles I fought that were only worthy as I learned from them, 

I’ve learned to pray & patiently wait. I’ve learned clarity in life is crucial. 

Try it,

For Yourself, 

Once you find the will and courage to explore & find out things you enjoy doing alone & by yourself, 

You discover how lovely it is finding & always creating time for yourself. This will become an important part & practice of your life. It’s strengthening & somehow brings more clarity to your life. You enjoy yourself. 

You’ll find yourself yearning to go see the latest exhibit at your local museum, you’ll plan you go read in solitude, you’ll go cycling around the nearest lake, you’ll dare yourself to master something new, like chess….. the list is endless.

You’ll eliminate one phrase in your life that I hear over & over, which I don’t quite understand. The terrible phrase is, “I’m bored!” 

If you don’t do this & always need people around you. You’ll  missing out on yourself & giving others all of you & your time.
Yours truly,

Lover of occasional solitude,

Ready yet?

He asks daily, 

She keeps saying “I’m not ready”, 

The world doesn’t stand still waiting, 

But he does, 

He insists he knows what he wants, 

He sees so much in her, 

And she looks and wonders why he waits,

Can anyone be this genuinely patient?

……ooh

He’s communicates action,

He is a doer, and that draws her to him more than anything,

He looks at her and smiles,

She feels safe, really safe with him; also knowing he can fix anything, 

They star gaze and listen to random beautiful songs,

Then……

They part ways and call it a night. 

But, each time… her mind tells her she’s not ready,

And her biggest fear is,”When will I ever be!?”

But him….

He calls it the a good night and it satisfies him!

Easy & hard!

The mind may be disappointed & angry, 

But what if the heart still cares?

What if sometimes you question the decisions you made?

Did you ever wonder if this is what  you’re supposed to do?

What if sometimes you crave their presence?

Then what are you supposed to do? They’re out of touch!

What should the mind tell the heart when all the heart does is miss the gone?

There’s a battle within & all you can see is the peace without!

But how could you have known!

Why an Extroverted Introvert? 

 

It is easy to get myself misunderstood, and if you are like me, well, we know it happens more than often. I’m talking about being an extroverted introvert like I am. This means our personality type is subject to change. Myself, i’m either outgoing or simply desperate to be alone at times. And these two states leave me so fulfilled. A lot of people who dont really know me will say, “Well, it is impossible to be like this.”  But I don’t see anything wrong. In fact, I get a lot of energy and fulfillment in either state. 

Sometimes when I wake up, I just want to drown myself in my presence. I drive to the coffe shop and I read. I’m surrounded by people but I also prefer to be left alone at this time. Sometimes talking takes a lot of energy. And no,  i am not lonely at all. I’m hardly ever lonely. I listen to smooth jazz  while i  read,  sipping on my cup of coffee. The feeling is so overwhelming. Sometimes i wish time would stand still for an hour or two. I love it so much! If I did not drive to the coffee shop, I stay home. I stay in and paint, I’m not even a painter. I picked painting the day my ex & I decided to go to a painting class on a date. Sometimes I bake. I look up recipes and just bake. I do enjoy these things. 

 (First painting)

This is why I am not a plans kind of a person. I’m not your kind of friend who sticks with, “Let’s do karaoke next week” or,  “Let’s go see a movie on Thursday at 6pm.” See, I don’t know how ill feel then, and so usually my response is more like, “Can I call you on that day in the morning & confirm?” But for those who really know me, usually go like this, “I know you, I’ll call you on Thur to see if we can see a movie”  Gosh, i love when they say that! Ooh, my sisters & close friends know this of me more than anyone, and they still love me. I’m actually a loyal person. It’s not that I can’t commit, it’s more of; if I plan on it, will I be really present and make it memorable? Will i even be up for it then? I’m rather spontaneous. I’m not a peope pleaser and so, If I commit to something,  I feel responsible of keeping my word. But I’m not like this always. I like to believe I pay attention to details, and so when it comes to things like my job, I’m good at it. Nothing repeats itself at work & today is always different from yesterday.

The other side of me is the really fun, outgoing side. Yes, I’ll turn around and blow everyone’s phone so we can go bowling. In fact, I plan everything including the activities to be had. If we go dancing, and you meet me for the first time then, you’ll think I’m simply outgoing! I play loud music in the house, dance,  learn dancing from YouTube videos and so on. I am really two sided but I don’t find it a problem. I never came to  point of feeling inadequate. So far you can either relate with this or you’re wonderingif this is a joke. Lol!

My interests are diverse as a result of this. I’m not the typical small talk kind of conversationist, neither am I the group talker. I like one on one talks, and I like thought provoking topics or conversations. I lose interest even in things & people if they don’t keep my brain stimulated. My attention span is short, really short for unstimulating things. I’m the typical analytical human. I analyse and overthink. If I like you, I really do and if I don’t, then I really don’t, and neither do i try to coat my true feelings. See, if you’re like me, you know we are picky. And we want to learn about what the people we like goals’ are, what they like,  what their family is like and so on. So we talk with them and when we do, they’d better know not to talk about the weather, unless there’s a tornado or extreme weather forecasted. 

So, there is a glimpse of me,  as well as of others who share my personality….

Yours truly, the extroverted introvert.