It Was Good Timing

I have done myself some good. This is the best decision I have made for myself in a long time. At first it felt silly and like it wasn’t worth, but every morning that I wake up, I feel different, I feel the newness of a new day without residuals from the past haunting my beautiful mornings. See, i’m that girl who have decided to be as deliberate as I can be with my decisions in the days to come.

Here is the thing, we are a race where majority are scared of putting all our eggs in just one basket, I mean, God forbid and we drop the basket, they would all break and we’d starve to death before we find other hens to lay us new eggs. But we also count our chicks before they hatch. We have so much planned ahead that we forget that anything can happen and the chicks might not actually hatch. I looked at me for instance, im in my twenties, striving to meet my career goals before im thirty. It is important to me that I’m a successful woman. 

Another important observation of my generation is the dating. I mean, look around you, God meant for us to live in harmony. I truly believe we are each others. It is our job to console an aching heart, to preserve other’s dignity, not because we know them but simply because they are human, good or bad. We all want to love and be loved, but we are so scared, so scared of getting hurt, but how many of us care about hurting others as much as we care about getting ourselves hurt? This is where most of us have abandoned the one basket full of eggs; we’d rather redistribute all our eggs to different baskets, as it is too much of a job to care for that one basket, and protect the eggs at all cost, you know…who got time for that, right? Most of us do keep the eggs at different places, and so when the predator comes, or the earthquake hits a certain  region, we really do nothing or less, after all, all eggs were not in that one “victim” basket  and so we can do with losing it. This has led us to do things halfway and not give our all. We don’t know what it is to work hard for something. We choose easy. 

Anyway, here’s the rest. As a single woman, it is my job, responsibility and obligation to protect my heart, myself, my dignity, and to never lose my pride. They say I should always know my worth, that I should never sell myself short and to always wait for the buyer that will buy me at a high price. Well, I say bullshit to that! I’m not one to sell myself at all. No, I sow within so I can reap when it’s time. I mean, if I went to a shop and bought something full price, it becomes mine, I own it. I can damage it, preserve, or use it as I please, right? so, yeah..that’s why im not for self selling. I choose to forever own me, invest in me. That does NOT mean I’m against relationships, I’m for them. I’m for partnership with someone worthy of growing and taking on a journey together,  knowing it’ll rain, storm,  thunder,  flood, but always having in mind that we got each other no matter the harsh weather conditions. After all, the sun shines bright after the dark night. But even at night, the stars shine bright, you’ll see that if you look up. In fact, the darker the night, the brighter the stars. So anyways, if “partners” didn’t put their eggs in one basket and vow to protect them against all odds, how could they have made it through the storm with endurance? Protecting their basket full of eggs at all cost?

I live a simple life, a sufficient one, and never rely on anyone to feed, clothe or house me. It is also my job as a single woman to find out if the man I will date is worthy of being called a man, and is he worthy of the risk. So on this particular day, I sat and had chat with my close friend, it is always a no judgment zone but rather a tell it all zone. As usual, we catch up, And a conversation comes up, and here we talk about online dating, how it’d work for busy people who have no time going out and having the luck of meeting potential partners. But it gets intense. We sooner realize that there’s a bunch of dating apps out there. It is so simple to meet ten people in just a few minutes in the comfort of your pajamas, binge watching your favorite Netflix show and deciding who really seems like, and are they worth meeting. What happens is, the ten could be met, but where does time come from? Instead, we hoard them in the phone, for back up just incase things go south with the top picks! see, so easy and simple! Always spreading the eggs, and protecting self. 

Swiping right and left has given us a poor illusion that it is easy to actually have connections as we please. We feel so much inn control. There for, we are so antisocial, so lonely, and the sad part of all, we easily dispose humans if they don’t interest us, or God forbid, they seem too clingy or easily attached. These humans should be dismissed and replaced with those who actually get what life is. I mean, we are busy and we want people only at our convenience and when one comes along who doesn’t meet our qualifucations, well then, to hell with them! We don’t even have the decency to properly dispose them,  we ghost individuals and in return,  they’re expected to know. Look, easy come easy go, right!? This goes on like that, we dispose and get back on the screen, and swipe for the next one. 

But how has this influenced our generation? it seems to be so easy to meet people, in fact, I don’t think it has ever been easier! How do we go about with these connections that we make off these apps? There’s texting, 2 minute phone calls and on the same day we meet. The next day we text and before you know it, this is it! This is what we are settling for. Days come and go, we work, we go home and keep in touch on the screen. We don’t learn anything about  these people yet we give them so much. And by this I mean time! Time is such a gift and it is extremely valuable. This does not end here. These are superficial connections, and God forbid we end up feeling a deeper connection for them than they do for us, because then we’re toast! It faded away for them! But lucky you, remember you actually did not put all your eggs in just one basket? you suddenly remember your other hoarded contacts, see the ones you saved just incase things went south with the top pick? its time for them to get a chance now! It was the back up plan,.. and blah….blah ….blah….it continues like this!

But several weeks ago, I woke up from it all. See, most of us walk around so beautiful and handsome, yet broken and grieving. We smile at people with a knot choking us in the throat . We deny ourselves the chance of healing. We numb the bruised emotions, and we redirect and regress them. We suppress all these and deny ourselves growth and development. We don’t have time to feel what is human. Who said hurting, aching, grieving, vulnerability, and breaking is weakness? We don’t let these emotions run through us until they drown, no….we accumulate the toxicity within and recklessly and inconsiderately spread it to those who simply don’t deserve it. We meet people, and for a second it is consoling  to us. We take and take from them for our own good while still  guarded with steel fences so high around our hearts, swearing to not get bruised like before. We do it all at our own convenience and God forbid, if they want anything in return, we get so done and walk along to the next human prey that is worth of our toxins. We don’t communicate, we take and give what we please. Our gratification is priority. 

So yes, I have done myself some good. I never really walked around worrying about, “what if I hurt them?” No, it is their job to worry about that. To hurt a human being; simply be reckless and play with their emotions, be selfish and only care about what they make you feel and not about what you make them feel. Am I the girl that left two relationships because I thought it was time?, Yes. Did it bother me that I was breaking up with them, yes, but did it really hurt me? No. Was it the right decision? Absolutely! I became a woman who had just one goal, and that goal was to better herself. Dating has never been a priority, and so I have not found myself make a dangerous mistake of getting dangerously hurt. But I did catch myself make the mistake of getting in to something that really bruised my being. It is only after that I realized I was not ready for it, it was gone too far, yet it was so empty. I was living a paradox. I hated the situation and my emotions were hurt. This was a classic sutuationship to me. 

The good that I did myself was to prepare myself, so instead of looking for solace and numbing my emotions, I let myself feel them. I let pain hurt until it was done. I decided it was time to really give myself enough attention. Here’s the thing, do you think it is easy for any woman to go to the gym, to go to work, go grocery shopping, take a walk in downtown…Whatever it is, without getting distracted, and coming close to giving up on self time for just a single date? Im not attention seeking, but it is easy to get the attention, which I choose to not pay attention to. I took my phone book and deleted everyone that I knew did not deserve that kind of shelter under anything of mine. The beginning of this decision wasn’t easy. Instead of having a man sit across my dinning table telling me how beautiful I am, I looked myself in the mirror and told myself so. Instead of listening to that selfish voice that told me to just go with it and not to get attached, you know, the one that reminds you to guard your heart while still having fun. I choose to be honest and respect myself. Three months of a single woman working on herself is golden, my clock is ticking and I am halfway this self journey. I will not fill my gaps with people not serving me any good,  instead, ill fill them with choices that’ll lead to self development. Within this time, nothing but good is coming out for me. I have realized not lying to self has so much benefits. In this span of time, ive taken steps to go for what ive always wanted. I got a better job, i have gotten tbe courage to ask or even demand for what’s mine. I am not letting people want my time at their convenience. No, In fact, it has led to better healthy friendships. I am clear of confusion. See, I’m a woman who knows what she wants. I know the kind of partner I want. A clear heart and mind is an advantage to havinga clear life. My fun is not be had at clubs, bars, lounges, instead it’s with friends doing constructive things, it’s reading, it’s doing what’s worthy of doing. 

While I work just hard enough to make a living, my goal in life is not to accumulate wealth monetarily, my goals is to achieve everlasting happiness, fulfillment, good health including emotional health, healthy relationships and peace of mind!

So, here i go. Not long ago, I’d wake up not recognizing myself. The girl that used to be mine, the one i used to know too well has seized to be mine. At the perfect time, i got a hold of her and this time, she’s just going to be unrecognizable to me anymore!





Caroline Shii, 

What if,

What if all of us were what we wished to seem?

So raw, authentic, & as deliberate as we wished?

What if fear did not exist?

Or better yet, what if being a coward in life wasn’t an option?

What if men & women were as selfless as they can be without a touch of selfishness?

Did you ever wonder why we take take take & dread to give? 

What if we worried about others well-being just as much as we did ours?

What if we just held back on self instant gratification if it caused another misery?

                                   

Really living is no assignment for the coward,


The most recent mountain she climbed wasn’t for her, but she dared herself anyways. She wanted to see what kind of a mountain it would be and what she had to gain from the experience. From the first step, she was so cautious yet so careless, almost reckless. It wasn’t planned, it’s wasn’t thought of, the decision was a mere act of spontaneity. See, she climbs mountains, it’s all she does through life. There’s always one after another. But with each, she always has a purpose & she’s always known they’re worth climbing, but not this particular one. The more she climbed, the more she tried to find a reason/s of  why she was doing so.  She wanted to have a purpose and meaning out of the climb.

Well, as you guessed, you can’t go hiking unprepared, let alone mountain climbing. She is always careful in what she does, especially if it involves utilizing her energy & time. Well, this mountain climbing was a mixture of a thrilling experience, filled with deadly fear, anxiety, worry, desire to see, feel & experience pleasure of getting to the peak and yes, it was filled suspense. But what for?

Nonetheless, she didn’t stop even when she knew she needed to. She kept daring herself, and every time she looked up, she didn’t see anything but rocks ahead and high above her. She knew this energy she was investing in this deserved to be poured on something more purposeful than this specific mountain, but she’s a darer, she convinced herself by whispering to her soul every worrying minute “one more meter, a little higher”. And so she kept going.

But there was unexpected stumbling blocks on her way, they were unseen…but deep down, it’s because she had chosen to go blind selectively;  she had choosen to not get warned by what was right before her eyes. Eventually, she stumbled, and almost fell. But no,  she didn’t hit the ground,  see, she caught herself in the act of falling. She has always known how to catch herself & to keep herself in check before she falls. Trust me, she falls several times before getting to the peak of her other mountains, and whether she breaks or not, the pieces always come back together and she gets back up. On this particular mountain, she had defied the voice that cautioned her within; that this mountain wasn’t worthy of the time, energy, or effort, its like she was high on life, and so She convinced herself otherwise.

 She has a fear of mediocrity and she’d rather not take the expected traditional path that’s set for her with others footprints to follow.

Here is the significance of climbing this particular mountain she took on; the one she didn’t need to. She learned not everything should or can actually have a planned path, with expectations in the end. Sometimes it’s the discoveries during the climb that are exciting. Life has to be let  be for it to be. She also learned something even more important, that living is not an assignments for the coward. While she takes on mountains and overestimate herself, most are cowards at taking any on mountains. They’re afraid of the unknown, and hide behind self-made curtains, afraid and letting thoughts like,  “what if I get hurt” or ” what if I get hurt again?” take over. They are the takers of life. They’re not givers to others neither to selves. They selfishly deny themselves life and are terrified of giving themselves challenges. See, instead of getting in the ocean and let themselves swim in the waves, they sit so safe in the harbor, so delicate, fragile,  & deliberately taking on only the mountains they know the end or the view at the peak.

Well, for her, she falls & let’s herself feel the pain. It then subsidies. She knows it just gives her more strength and immunity to handle even the most terrifying mountains.

She’s had her moments of failure, the worst of all being self failure. But without falling, she’d not have known she had the strength to get up. She couldn’t have learned the art of catching herself before she hits the ground and breaking. So, here, ….climb your mountains and do so courageously. You’ may or may not break,  but you’ll not remain broken. No one stays broken if they choose to not remain so.  Mix the pain & pleasure and soar in to your world. Dare yourself to live!

Caroline Shii.

Gratitude. 

There’s something about being away from all the noise & just coming to the woods for a week. Maybe it’s the change of environment.  There’s a spiritual awakening and connection I find in God’s creation. Not that I don’t or can’t find it back in the city, but it’s easy to get distracted back there. I find myself running and allocating every minute of my time to something just so that I’ll not waste any of it. Here, I’ve given myself these few days to just bring back the wholesome connection within.

Catching the birds sing during early morning walks, feeling the breeze that’s so peaceful rub against my skin, seeing the numerous trees stand still or swaying side to side from the light wind, watching the horses graze gracefully, watching the bright stars shine high in the sky at night,  ….the lake  being so still that I don’t have to paddle the kayak to stay in it. All this sounds so petty, but just letting myself feel & realize they’re small blessings makes me feel so grateful. Being here is fulfilling; in the country, deep in the woods. And I hope you find something that’s gonna make you feel alive, graceful & grateful. Focus your energy on positive things in your life; be thankful for the good & bad. Take time to realize you’re here for a reason & purpose.

 Yours truly,  Caroline.

“Your legacy is every life you’ve touched”

The Carer You

No one should hurt, feel despair, or hopelessness alone.

No one’s heart should be breaking without a hand to hold or a shoulder to cry on.

We’re each other’s. Sin brought pain, & pain demands to be felt.

Be a carer, a friend, a holding hand, a shoulder to be cried on…whatever the circumstances demand of you, sometimes it’s okay to be exactly that.

It is okay to forget the balance between giving and taking and simply taking on the giving role; Be a giver, “Give until it hurts”

It doesn’t matter if they were there when you needed them,…as long as you made it, let them make it.

Be one of the reasons they found strength. Be their strength ♡

Oops, A Girl Slips,

art

In a society that expects a perfect girl,

Trust me,  sometimes she can slip, lose balance,

And even more can happen; she can fall!

She can break, and the shattered pieces can just split all over!

Fortunately, the breaking isn’t permanent,

 

See, when a piece of art falls & breaks, it does not stop being art,

The pieces remain to be art. Now, remember she is a work of art,

Art isn’t supposed to look pretty, nice, & the last thing its meant for is the eyes,

Its meant to invoke your imagination, make you feel something, bring life within,

To feed the soul.

Art does not seek perfection, and neither does she seek it

And no, the work of art she is, she does not remain fallen, she gets up.

Her beauty clearly lies in her perfect  imperfection,

 

See, you may think the shattered pieces meant she was fragile,

But no, she was meant to fall at that moment, I mean,

How could she have unleashed her inner strength without hitting the ground?

How could she have known she could be so powerful!?

She healed, the pieces are back together,

and look,

She did not build any walls or fences to stay safe,

After all, doing so would mean she defies vulnerability,

While its the only  way  to live while letting life run through her!

So she lives without trying to control or predict what’s impossible to!

And her scars are her identity, experiences and no one can take that away!

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Girl Who Owns Her Story

I still remember that little girl who grew in that two story house. She had a vision for herself, she wanted so much for herself and her family. She grew up in a very small town somewhere in central Kenya. You know, she would look at planes up high in skies and imagine how her life would be if she would only get in one. She wondered if she would ever look like the beauty models in the magazines she stocked up in her bedroom, you know, the ones she religiously read at night. She would then dream about everything she had imagined for herself earlier in the day, with the magazines.

No she did not want to be a doctor, a lawyer, or some kind of a minister in the government. She wanted to be the confident beautiful women in the magazines. I’m talking about the women who had qualities she didn’t have, Or maybe she didn’t see in herself yet admired, i.e the beauty, confidence, success, well travelled, intelligent, and so on. She wondered what they had done so they could be who and where they were. How did some get so lucky while she was unfortunate?

And while very young, she decided she wanted to be a flight attendant so she could see the world. Through high school she knew this was her dream. At the age of sixteen, she graduated high school and somehow, deep within, she felt she lacked so much.  See, her parents had raised her and her siblings differently, none of them was given the freedom to choose their fate. Everything was chosen for them; but keep in mind, in some families, that’s the African upbringing, a parent decides regardless of your interests. and as a child, questioning was disobedient. She had worked so hard and at seventeen, she had found herself a contract with one of the best international airlines and the only limitation there was a parents approval, you know, since she was underage. Well, as you can imagine, her dad couldn’t even listen, he was decided that that was not the best path for his child.

Again, as usual she sunk so deep in her world wondering why she was born to the wrong family. At this point, I want you to know that a lot have been left out in this story.  But that might come later in a different story. Anyways, that girl ended up in Oklahoma state, a thousand miles away from the only home she knew. That’s when it hit her, “She had to start all over again. She needed other dreams and goals”. Her greatest fear in life was and still is to never live up to her potential, and not discover her true purpose in life. She arrived here at nineteen years of age, and it was a whole different world. she hated the taste of the food, the seasons that seemed extreme, the isolation, the feeling of not belonging,  the environment was overwhelming. But there is something that excited her, see, she’s a very adventurous one, and she always wanted to be free of anyone trying to shape her life for her. Something was exciting; the urge to know and discover the new life here. See, it does not happen overnight, it takes time to get used to new things, its a learning process. There’s a thrill in the discovery process, and that kept her going.

She thought, “There’s no limits now, I’m far away, I’m almost twenty and definitely not too old to be anything! omg, what if I can still become one of those magazine women I had seen then?!” So, she started modelling. And no, she did not model for the sake of doing it, no.. there was a hidden agenda; she wanted to build the confidence that she knew she lacked. She wanted to plant the seed within her that would grow in to something everlasting and authentic. She wanted people to look at her and see a woman that is well build in character, personality and physically too.

Again, first forward, that girl has found a home away from home, and its been seven years. She put herself through college, yes, it was hard paying that fee a semester after another. Working for minimum wages. If you never knew what it is like to go to bed at night, at twenty years of age, worried of not going back to college because you cant clear your fee, because you couldn’t  qualify for student loans and grants, watching and listening to the clock tick and waiting for a miracle, then don’t pity her. A miracle never came her way, nothing has ever been handed to her on a silver platter, but you must not pity her, the struggles build her.

That girl has a lot to achieve in life, and she is also a college graduate. Could you believe she finds it so fulfilling to care for the sick? Ya, she is now a nurse. Instead of serving while travelling, she serves others but still tries to see the world around her. She enjoys nursing. She also once read, “Your legacy is every life you’ve touched” and she has decided that wants to touch lives and be compassionate to those who need it.

Look, appreciate life, you never know where it’ll take you! Her story has taught me so much!